What A Joke. 2015 NHL All-Star Game Fails At Every Level
by Dave Segaert
Maple Leafs forward Phil Kessel smiles for the first time since November 15.
Holy shit what a waste of three hours. This years edition of the annual (except when there's a lockout, or an olympics) NHL All-Star game continued its storied tradition of rich, pampered athletes getting a bunch more free stuff and then dogging it in a glorified game of shinny for a couple of hours. I gotta say that I've long been a proponent of the All-Star game even though my friends have long considered it to be an absolute piece of shit. For me, it was always a rare chance to see the NHL how it should be: a showcase of the best players in the world playing hockey at a high level, but also being able to pull off some dipsy-doodles and otherwise unseen creativity without getting yelled at by their coach. It had always been a welcome sight for me after being continuously subjected to regular season games, which are a showcase of the best players in the world playing all kinds of complicated defensive systems and traps.
The weekend as a whole definitely still has some value. It gives the players a chance to be on the ice for a long time without their helmets on so everyone can see their hair. It puts a whole bunch of extra money in the NHL's and owners pockets. It pumps some money into the already fat coffers of hotel owners and fancy mall stores of whatever city it happens to be in. It's a chance for guys who make 5-10 million dollars a year to get a free car for being picked last in a draft. And it's another chance for guys who make 5-10 million dollars a year to get an all-expenses paid trip to a city that they probably hate. It certainly all seems worth it though when you see the smiling faces of all of the children present, because their parents just bought them a $200 Team Foligno All-Star jersey. Too bad it's ugly as hell. Wait a second, did I just say Team Foligno? Ugh. Kids don't care though, as all that matters to them is that they are now adorned in the latest NHL product that has been specifically tailored to bankrupt their parents.
The weekend as a whole definitely still has some value. It gives the players a chance to be on the ice for a long time without their helmets on so everyone can see their hair. It puts a whole bunch of extra money in the NHL's and owners pockets. It pumps some money into the already fat coffers of hotel owners and fancy mall stores of whatever city it happens to be in. It's a chance for guys who make 5-10 million dollars a year to get a free car for being picked last in a draft. And it's another chance for guys who make 5-10 million dollars a year to get an all-expenses paid trip to a city that they probably hate. It certainly all seems worth it though when you see the smiling faces of all of the children present, because their parents just bought them a $200 Team Foligno All-Star jersey. Too bad it's ugly as hell. Wait a second, did I just say Team Foligno? Ugh. Kids don't care though, as all that matters to them is that they are now adorned in the latest NHL product that has been specifically tailored to bankrupt their parents.
But sweet lord what the hell has happened to the game itself? I guess it's because everyone is worth so damn much money that they're not allowed to skate fast or shoot hard or body-check or give a rats ass. Not sure if anyone else noticed, but when they showed highlights of past games it was evident that the players used to care about the outcome of the game. Unfortunately, it has really started to deteriorate in the past 5 years or so, as this once exciting event has devolved into the same category as the Pro-Bowl, or even worse, the NBA all star game. Yesterday's debacle was the straw that broke the camel's back for me, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to stomach another one unless they change the format.
But hey, how about that star-studded group of finely coiffed athletes! I know I couldn't wait to be dazzled by the likes of Patrick Elias, Ryan Suter, Justin Faulk, Aaron Ekblad, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, and Zemgus Girgensons. Despite all these amazing players though, watching the skills competition is harder than sitting through church, unless you are really fond of watching interviews with highly un-charismatic NHL superstars who are only allowed to respond to questions with 1 of 10 pre-scripted answers. Sadly, the most enjoyable part of the weekend for me was the draft, and that was only because Phil Kessel got traded and for a minute I thought it happened in real life. Once again though, thank god that two of these young, attractive, well-dressed millionaires were given a brand new car to ease the pain and suffering of being picked last in a meaningless draft. I'm sure Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and Filip Forsberg were thrilled to get a fucking Honda to go along with their collection of other cars that don't suck. Maybe Honda should give a vehicle away to a hard-working father or mother who can barely afford rent. Hahaha ridiculous! Then we wouldn't get to see our NHL heroes ham it up in a $3000 suit as they ponder whether to sell it immediately or re-gift it to their current girlfriend.
But hey, how about that star-studded group of finely coiffed athletes! I know I couldn't wait to be dazzled by the likes of Patrick Elias, Ryan Suter, Justin Faulk, Aaron Ekblad, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, and Zemgus Girgensons. Despite all these amazing players though, watching the skills competition is harder than sitting through church, unless you are really fond of watching interviews with highly un-charismatic NHL superstars who are only allowed to respond to questions with 1 of 10 pre-scripted answers. Sadly, the most enjoyable part of the weekend for me was the draft, and that was only because Phil Kessel got traded and for a minute I thought it happened in real life. Once again though, thank god that two of these young, attractive, well-dressed millionaires were given a brand new car to ease the pain and suffering of being picked last in a meaningless draft. I'm sure Ryan Nugent-Hopkins and Filip Forsberg were thrilled to get a fucking Honda to go along with their collection of other cars that don't suck. Maybe Honda should give a vehicle away to a hard-working father or mother who can barely afford rent. Hahaha ridiculous! Then we wouldn't get to see our NHL heroes ham it up in a $3000 suit as they ponder whether to sell it immediately or re-gift it to their current girlfriend.
As for the game itself, well, it beats a kick in the teeth. Barely. After the 14th goal, somewhere through the middle of the 1st period, even the announcers started to get bored. As I mentioned earlier, I used to like watching this game. At least back in the day the players used to skate hard and back check and just plain old generally give a fuck. The 2015 edition had the intensity of an 85 year old playing solitaire. The skills that these guys have look so much better when done at high speed. This years game was slowed to a crawl as guys circled around waiting to try and make some impossible passing play. Vladimir Tarasenko could have had 4 breakaways in this game but he slowed down as he crossed the blue line to wait for teammates. Throw on top of all this the thrill of listening to the broadcasters trying really hard to carry on interviews with the players while they're on the ice. Ryan Getzlaf kept forgetting that he was being interviewed, and started carrying on conversations with his teammates while Glenn Healy desperately tried to win back his attention by asking funny questions. But if you like goals...well, even if you like goals you were probably still annoyed. My girlfriend forced me to turn the volume down because she was trying to study and the goal-horn kept going off every 55 seconds. Yuck, I'm having terrible flashbacks just writing about this game.
It's a good thing that little kids still love the All-Star game, because most people I've talked to just watched it because it was the only option for a hockey starved NHL fan. And the comments on social media were certainly not kind. It' sad to see these marquis events lose their lustre and their relevance, but don't tell the NHL, because they just sold a butt-load of jerseys. So, the moral of the story is...tune in next year to see what the latest merchandise looks like!
It's a good thing that little kids still love the All-Star game, because most people I've talked to just watched it because it was the only option for a hockey starved NHL fan. And the comments on social media were certainly not kind. It' sad to see these marquis events lose their lustre and their relevance, but don't tell the NHL, because they just sold a butt-load of jerseys. So, the moral of the story is...tune in next year to see what the latest merchandise looks like!
